The Rock Blogger

While going through rateyourmusic.com, you often come across some pretty bizarre entries. Because the website allows users to post any album in existence up for review, you expect to find some esoteric musings. Here are some of my favorites:

CD Laser Lens Cleaner. Average Rating: 2.2

Best Review:

“Not a little disappointing after the wildly inventive 2-Way Cassette Head Cleaner, but fans of clean production will find something to like. Favorite track: (Untitled)” -jimmyjems.

It’s A Small World. Average Rating: 0.98

Best Review:

“An absolute nightmare of an album.
Remember when your parents decided to forego the “scary” rides for a while (until you badgered them ’til their ears bled & their nerves were so shattered that a spin in the teacups or just waving at Goofy would bring on the public meltdown) and you were dragged into this demon-ridden hellpit? That fucking song just doesn’t stop for a good 12 hours until that oversized Kleenex-box you float along in - that can’t be paddled ahead any faster ‘cos it’s chain-driven - takes you back out into the relative sanity of the outside world; white-knuckled, you stare back with saucer-eyes in certainty that those puppet-things are following you, popping along the pavement humming and slowly baring sharp little ferret-teeth in the promise to snatch you away from your parents, drag you back inside their plastic gulag and turn you into one of THEM.
Yeah, I don’t remember that either. Which is why they made this album, so kids who were too poor or unlucky could get the fear right in their own living room.
As in the ride, this song JUST DOESN’T STOP over two sides; a good 35-40 minutes of claw-away-at-your-brain-with-a-fork-trying-to-get-the-jingle-out-of-your-head kinda fun.
Comes with booklet.” - vonFrankenstein.

Sandy Becker Calls Bingo. Average Rating: 1.5

Best Review:

“A complete bingo game on a record. Wow. I… I… yeah.
With “over 4000 different sequences of numbers possible”, there’s almost no end of fun hearing ‘B 65′, or ‘I 9′, or…
My favorite track (at the mo) is ‘G 53′, but the rest of the album is really growing on me…
There was definitely different fun 45 years ago - I guess this is the old-days equivalent of an MP3-stream of video-game music; you can listen, reminisce, but can’t play (all the added pieces are missing from the jacket). Not even good for sampling, and as for being a trip-out LP, I’m pretty sure no matter what drug you took you’d end up clawing SOMEbody’s face off at any given point”. - vonFrankenstien

Mr. T. Mr. T’s Commandments. Average Rating: 3.67 (?)

Best Review:

“n a world lacking moral judgement, we need Mr T to make a comeback and gruffly bark out his commandments as he does on five of these seven tracks.

‘If you break the rules, God help you, fool, you got Mr. T to fear!’ - he tells us in track 1, “Mr. T’s Commandments” - proof, if ever it were needed, that Mr. T is God’s chosen enforcer.

The two tracks that break from the hip-hop/angry instruction are “Don’t Talk To Strangers”, where he gruffly pleads with kids not to open the door when their parents aren’t home, and “Mr. T, Mr. T (He Was Made For Love)”, where a choir tell us how kind Mr. T can be. He doesn’t appear on this track, presumably so as not to undermine his furious exhortations elsewhere.

All in all, this is without exaggeration the best album ever made in the history of the world, and will never be surpassed.” - cheeks.

Crazy Frog. Crazy Hits. Average Rating: 0.81

Best Review:

“Why would anyone in their right minds defend this? This is not love it or hate it thing, this is simply the most dim witted idea of all times that defines how much we still have to evolve to resemble a truly intelligent civilization. Sign o’ the times, mess with your mind, hurry before it’s too late like one sexy motherfucker said. The person responsible for this needs to be carved, gutted and raped with a flagpole then boiled until the whole fuckwit goes up in steam. That still wouldn’t repay the things he has done to pollute the airwaves. This kind of shit burns into the collective memory of the people like a mixture of battery acid and piss. Avoid at all costs and please do mutilate yourself if you own this album”. -MrCuddlesworth

Aaron Carter. Average Rating: 0.70

Best Review:

“I have not listened to this album and I never will.
The album cover makes me want to cyber-kick the shit out of his crotch.
No stars for lack of balls”. - Supter

Phew, that’s enough ridiculousness for one day. I would like the thank the rateyourmusic community for listening to this garbage so I didn’t have to. You are truly kings among men. There’s plenty of more ridiculous albums out there, so stay tuned for future installments, assuming I recover from banging my head against the wall. Good Day!

This entry was posted on Sunday, January 20th, 2008 at 11:46 am and is filed under Humor, Lists. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.